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Onebig-who?

You must be wondering why a blog named ‘Onebigstressball’ exists and what it’s for.

Simply, I am a twenty-two year old student who is currently going through the inevitable transition of having to think about leaving student life, (hopefully) graduating, and taking those first few baby steps into the adult world of taxes, council tax (ew) and actually getting up for a job that doesn’t begin at 12pm on a Saturday. This will be a sort of journal for me, and it is completely up to you how you use it; whether it be for entertainment value as I seem to always get myself into situations that I don’t want to be in, or whether you use it to gain insight to the struggles of having to find one’s own feet in the big bad world, and maybe take some tips and do’s and don’ts from my own experiences.

Firstly, a little bit about me.

I’d rather remain anonymous for now, for genuine fear that this blog never works out and people I know judge me –ย this anxiety, as you will see as my blog goes on, is one cause of me being ‘onebigstressball’- so for now, let’s say my name is…Callie.

I am currently in my final year of University, working two jobs on the side to help fund my dangerously generous personality as well as my food and shopping addiction, and I am a self confessed documentary geek. I like to eat porridge for dinner, dance my troubles away, and personally, there is nothing better than a night in with a glass of wine, a hot water bottle, some blankets, and a film you wouldn’t admit to your friends you actually really enjoy – *ahem* Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging is definitely up there on that list! The gym is my second home, and sometimes I just go there to socialize more than work out-hey, making friends in weird places means nothing can ever be boring!

Now down to the nitty-gritty, and I promise this will be the (hopefully) the darkest part of this blog. Due to family background and things I won’t get into right now, I have suffered from depression and anxiety, and occasionally still get hit with panic attacks at the worst time possible that make me feel like I’m going to pass out. I have – and have had relapses- dealt with disordered thinking with regards to food and exercise, and my self-esteem has hit rock bottom many a-time, sometimes working with the depression and leading me to feel strangely good about myself for a second then coming to a complete crash within the same hour.

Growing up, I always thought the only thing to do when I was feeling sad was to bottle it up (I know, so clichรฉ) and just smile and get on with it, and I guess for the past twenty or so years I have done that, but I have recently come to realise this just makes everything about a thousand times worse and everything will eventually come bursting out and you won’t know what to do about it. I have learnedย – and of course I am still learning every day, different ways for me to take time to myself and find new outlets that allow me to get rid or even just appease some of the negative thoughts and feelings that swim inside my brain on a daily basis, and to be honest, if it’s helping me even just get a better sleep at night, at least it’s doing something!

At the ripe old age of twenty-two, I have decided, that with all the changes happening in my life and having to think about what I am going to be doing for the rest of my years (eek!) that instead of going along with it in the mindset that I have to take everything as it comes and just try to not have a breakdown, I’m going to treat it like the adventure that it’s going to be, revel in the happy moments, and reflect in the times that I may find difficult, rather than panic and throw in the towel or crawl into bed when something goes wrong…I have tried this, and while it’s a good temporary measure to let yourself reset, living in your bed is definitely not a good long-term plan!

So all I can say now is I hope you enjoy what’s to come, and have fun on my journey alongside me!

Love, Callie x

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