January Blues

It’s that time of year.

January can either be the most depressing time of year or the most hopeful.

For me, it was both.

I began the new year with my resolutions all written down, ready to be conquered; I went on holiday and had a blast with my friends; I finally finished my dissertation and handed it in- but last Tuesday everything that I had worked towards seemed to crumble and I had a huge panic attack in my room and couldn’t make it into any classes that day.

I’m not naive- I know things can’t be hunky dory all the time, but things had been going at a relatively okay plateau, and in just a few days everything unraveled and now I sit in the library on a Sunday night with an endless to-do list to try and get back on track.

In a paragraph, a person I’ve been having trouble with lately made me feel like I was a terrible person, which led to the panic attack, then the paranoia. This in turn made me feel so terrible I felt I needed to meet up with the guy I’ve been seeing for a while and tell him it wouldn’t work out between us because I’m a terrible person and I don’t deserve anything good in my life. (He did freak out a bit about this but I ended up explaining everything, which felt so therapeutic and calming.) At uni, I ended up not having to do a group thing which I hadn’t wanted to do in the first place, rendering the stress I went through getting it completed absolutely void. My brother came to me, upset about his mock exam results; my mother then phoned and texted me to moan about the aforementioned results; I’ve had a gross food week, meaning there has been quite a few setbacks with relation to the binge/purge cycle, and by trying to stay sane, I’ve been overdoing it on the treadmill, which has brought about a knee injury.

Sore knee= no exercise for a week= stressed out C who wants to run but cannot= running anyway=more injury= more unwanted rest.

Vicious cycle.

The only thing I can keep telling myself right now is that I am so much luckier than a great many people out there. With everything going on in the world, it’s necessary to take time and reflect on the things going right, rather than what’s going wrong, even though it is so easy to get wrapped up in all your own problems and develop ‘tunnel vision’ and not see the bigger picture.

In a bid to make myself feel slightly better, I made a list of everything I have in my life that I am grateful for:

My brother, who might get crappy exam results but at least he tried his best. (I hope) He may not be terribly book smart, but he’s amazing at computers and has the most generous nature of everyone I know.

My friends, who might actually be sick of reading my long and boring blogs, my rants to them through our group chat, and my forever being too busy to reply to them… but they don’t complain -to my face anyway- and always have my back.

The fact that I am still in a position right now to be able to pay for a place to live in, even though rent means I have to live on soup and toast. I may not be able to afford central heating, but I have blankets that at least keep me warm.

The guy that’s been taking me out recently has honestly been amazing at understanding that with my anxiety and ED, we have to take things slow. He’s not forced me into telling him anything, and said if anything, he’d like to help distract me if I am feeling down. We’ve known each other two months and he’s been so patient with me I feel so lucky. The cuddling is a bonus!

Basically, January is s***. But it is for most people.

So, tomorrow is a new day, new week, new start. It’s almost February, and Chinese New Year just happened, and, being half Chinese, I guess I can call it a whole new year for me?

Or maybe not.

Focus on the rainbow and you’ll barely notice the rain.

C x

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