During the last few weeks, I’ve been lucky enough to have had enough time off work to be able to have days where I’ve spent time with some of my closest friends, something that will inevitable become harder to do in the future now that we’ve all graduated and are going our separate ways through the journey that is life.
Of course, there will be many times where our paths will cross and intersect, but, soon enough, my two best friends and I will be in completely different parts of the world, with Skype, FaceTime and Messenger being our only points of contact, so I have felt that though I need to work as hard as I can to save up money, it has been imperative for me – an absolute no brainer – to spend as much time as possible to use the remaining months I have left in Scotland with the people I love.
My work mate, her sister and I chose a scorching hot day to go hill climbing… it turns out that even gym bunnies like us can’t climb a hill in thirty degree heat without gasping for a water break every 5 minutes and complaining about ‘unladylike’ sweating.
Last week, it was J’s birthday, and, in true fashion, we had a classic night out on the town, that didn’t end in drunken tears and tantrums, and was just filled with giggles and dad-dancing… and followed by a morning of dry-as-a-desert mouth and a headache intense enough to power a lightbulb for a few days. Birthdays shouldn’t be celebrated any other way right?
These are the sorts of days that really bring you up, that make you forget about the s***** thoughts that haunt you in the darkest hours of the night before you drift off to sleep.
As I said in a previous post, I’ve mentioned that during the six weeks of summer where my boyfriend and I have to be apart, we’ve given each other some goals to achieve… I have watched almost 65 hours of television and am only one episode away from finishing House of Cards– which, by the way, has taught me more about American political than any news piece I’ve ever watched in my life thus far. He finished Anne Frank, and, even more importantly (to me anyway), I have tried to go 6 weeks without purging.
I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to quit something cold turkey, but it doesn’t work. Well, not for me, at least.
Since he has been away travelling, there have been moments where I have been overcome with stress and discomfort. I’ve allowed myself to fall into habits I’ve been trying so hard to get out of; looked in the mirror and focused on what I don’t like about myself rather than the positives; seen food as an enemy rather than the fuel I need for my body to make it through a gym session; and allowed people who shouldn’t make me feel bad feel like less than the crap on the bottom of a dirty river.
These types of days have unfortunately overpowered any sense of logic I’ve had, and ended with me curled under my duvet, shutting myself away from others.
I have relapsed, and I have tortured myself over and over again for allowing myself to once again be victim to my own insecurities and warped thoughts.
I’ve spent hours feeling awful, wondering why on earth I’d let this happen again, especially when I made a promise to the person I love most in the world that I would do my best to get better.
But, at the end of the day, after all those hours tormenting myself, there isn’t taking away the fact that it happened, and I can’t take it back.
The trick is to look forward. I may have to reset my purge-free days to zero, but, as my better half always says, ‘look to the positives.’ Before my relapse, I’d had almost two weeks of eating properly and not purging once. That’s 14 days more consecutive days than I’ve been able to manage in the last 18 months.
Yes, I’ve had bad days, but, there have been so many days mingled in here and there that have been magical – time filled with activities to occupy myself and laugh until I cry with my friends; to drink alcohol and get emotional and tell them exactly how much I love them; to climb hills and crack up at each other as the humidity curls our hair beyond recognition… crappy days happen, that’s okay. But it’s the sunshine-y, smile filled days that bring you out of the depths of the duvet.
Embrace that life isn’t perfect, but you can keep trying to make it better, and being positive is the first step.