So, as you might know now, I am in the midst of a storm of job applications, interviews, rejections and tears.
Two months ago, I had to take a step back and think really hard about what I was doing with my life.
Yes, I was self employed, making okay money, and working a job I truly enjoyed.
But, on the other side of it – the side I tried so hard to smother and ignore – was taking its toll. Instead of rabbiting on and boring you with the nasty details, all I’m going to say is that the conclusion I came to was: For the sake of my mental and physical health, I needed to stop what I was doing.
What I’ve come to realise is that, although I liked being my own boss and managing my own business, I need a job that has regular, set hours, free weekends, and set holidays. This will not only allow me to plan my days better, but job security means I’ll be able to plan for Mr OneBigStressball and I’s future.
Well. Unemployment has been a right journey so far, and I’ve only been back in Scotland for 2 weeks.
On the run up to finishing up at the gym, I was actively searching for jobs, and went along to a few interviews, and before I went on holiday there was an opportunity that felt like it was going to come round, and felt right. However, I wasn’t right for the firm, and they picked someone with a heck of a lot more experience than me, which is completely fair enough.
Since then though, I’ve been in something that feels like limbo.
While my bank account is slowly depleting, I’ve been trying to fill the hours in the day with as many free activities as possible. Museums; exhibitions; writing; long walks; reading in the park… it was nice to take some time for myself. And with everyone working 9-5 and no one out to play with me, I had countless hours to be in my own company.
If this had lasted for a week, it would have been great. The sun was for once shining in Scotland, and I was able to see loads of stuff in Edinburgh I hadn’t had the chance to see before, and I’ve read more than I’ve done in a LONG time. I also got to spend a whole weekend with Mr OneBigStressball. That’s it, you read it right, we spent a whole 48 hours together and it was absolute bliss.
However, it’s been a bit longer than that now, and I’m starting to feel an overwhelming sense of failure and inadequacy. Also, I’m feeling really bored. My whole life right now seems to be applying for jobs, going to the gym, and then the highlight of the day… Love Island at 9pm, without fail.
I’ve not been unemployed for a long time now, and it’s really starting to get to me. Yep, a holiday is great and all, but it would be even better and much more enjoyable if I knew when the end was going to be – I’d be able to make the most of the limited time off and gear myself back up to going to work.
I like having something to do in the day, and it’s really hard for me not to have a routine. Being at the gym is great for my mental health and for me to get stronger, but I reckon if I spend any more time there they’ll start worrying about me.
It’s gotten to the point now that I’ve had to take up a little job in a local restaurant in order to have something to do (and some spending money) but it feels like such a step down.
Please bear with me while I explain what I mean, I don’t want hate from all you hospitality bees out there!
It’s funny really – I was talking to my friend yesterday about how working in hospitality (especially as a university graduate) has its own negative connotations, and I’m finding it hard to break away from that. That, and the memories of working for almost 9 straight years as a waitress and doing it to get myself through university haven’t quite left me yet, and I can still hear the sound of the food elevator bell from my last job in my nightmares.
Working in hospitality is hard. I know this from experience, and for those who do it full time, I absolutely applaud your hard work and dedication. The thing is though, the reason I quit my job as a PT is because I want to have a job that provides a steady income and routine working hours – something that working in a restaurant makes impossible – and I’m scared that if I get back into hospitality I won’t find the motivation to get out again. Does that make sense?
Mr OneBigStressball, bless him, has been reassuring me as best he can. His constant positivity is what is keeping me going and keeping me hopeful right now. He said he’s sure that there is definitely something just round the corner for me, and that I just need to be patient, so now I am trying to be grateful for what I have and not bitter about what I want and don’t have at this precise moment.
Have any of you guys been in this position? What helped you get through it?